Lately I have been thinking a lot about memories.
Some people choose to forget memories.
Maybe because some memories are bad ones.
Or perhaps they make you feel sad. Because you miss that person.
That time in your life.
Maybe you think that if you look upon your memories of times
in other places or with other people, that it means you
will lose sight of what you have,
who you are today.
The past is in the past.
I see my past very differently.
I look at each experience as a part of what has made me
who I am today.
Every moment, every memory is a piece of me.
Not just a piece of my history.
But a piece of who I am right now.
And yes, sometimes I miss those days.
A smell, or a song, or my surrounding will turn me
into a sentimental schmuck
in just a moments time.
Does this mean I am unhappy with my life today?
Have you SEEN my family? How could I be unhappy?
There have been unhappy moments, sad moments, hard moments...
but all in all my life is blessed.
When I seen my kids playing "nicely" together,
or my daughter asking me to tickle her over and over again,
or my hubby holds my hand or snuggles me in the middle of the night...
I am reminded of the good things in life.
But the good things now do not affect my memories from yesterday.
Some days I miss when I was able to buy myself new clothes,
go out to eat any time I wanted...
Life isn't that way for me anymore.
But that is not really what I am talking about.
During fall, probably every year, I remember this moment.
I remember my sister and I going to a haunted house.
I was probably about 18-19 years old.
And we were riding in the back of a car with a guy
that I had a huge crush on from work.
On the radio was playing "Far Behind" by Candlebox.
I remember hearing the music, feeling the breeze, the laughter, the nervousness.
The opportunity presented itself to hang out with him.
Oh, the excitement.
Music plays a huge part in so many memories...
Does it for you? It's impacting. I mean, life long impacting!
My senior year of high school, suddenly I had friends of some sort.
I mean I had a crowd I hung out with .
Listening to Spin Doctors or Digable Planets in the car
of my friend, Laura.
Listening to the Cranberries with my friends, Kelly & Tasha.
Any sort of grunge music, Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, Pearl Jam...
brings me back to that year. I still cannot let go of the era of music
to this day.
Maybe that is why I love fall so much,
every happy moment seems to be engulfed
in crisp cool air and bright colorful leaves.
Or I think back to when I was 16, lying in my driveway, sunbathing...
listening to all my favorite 'christian alternative' music.
I was changing. From being the girl that was handed to me,
to gaining my own sense of style in music and clothing.
I remember my mom driving me from store to store on Milwaukee's east side,
'The bohemian, artsy' side of town, where I searched out long tye-dye skirts
and combat boots (aka: wanna be doc martens) to wear with them.
Why do you think we take photographs?
So that we can remember these junctures.
The funny thing is, the parts of life I actually DO remember
that made such a detailed impact on me,
those moments, I have very few photographs of.
And the things that I have photographs of, I have very little real soul memory of.
It's not always the Christmas parties
high school formals
4th of July get togethers
or weddings
that I remember
Yet, those are so many of the types of things I have photos of.
It's the simple moments that are carried in my heart
that are brought to life
with a scent or a season,
and suddenly I will miss that moment of my life.
That happiness I felt. I want to go back.
I want to take that walk again with that person.
I want to go to the movies with those friends.
I want to feel nervous & excited when I get a note in the hallway.
I want to have that conversation with that person all over again.
Go to that concert again.
I want to read that letter.
I want to sit in my 'fiance's' jeep until 3 am and make out.
I want to go to the hospital, anticipating meeting my first child.
Conceivably, one day I will look back on my life today,
and wish I could relive having a 3 year old, a 6 year old, and an 8 year old,
watching the girls snuggle with their daddy
still being able to all play together as a family,
listen to my son beg to have a family movie night,
wishing they were here with me.
But for today, I will love them for who they are,
think back about who I was
and let every moment I have lived through, and will live through
~both sad and happy,
shape me, build me into who I am to be tomorrow.
