Today it is the 11 year anniversary of the day we found out our baby girl, Naomi went to be with Jesus. I was 18 weeks pregnant and got to hold her tiny body and see her tiny fingers and toes, ears and nose. Eleven years and 3 kids later, it still brings me to tears when I think about the devastation we felt. And my heart goes out to any person who has every lost a baby at any stage during or after pregnancy. It's never easy and no one can really understand, even if they've been through it. I wrote a little more about it last year HERE if you want to read it... I wrote this for Jeff on Fathers Day that year and wanted to share today...
Maybe you can relate...
Still Daddy's Little Girl
A single tear streamed down your cheek
on that very happy day
the day Mommy told you the exciting news
that I was on the way
I couldn't wait to meet you
for a big kiss and maybe a twirl
Because I know that I could be rest assured
that I'd be Daddy's little girl
Remember on the special day
when you heard my heart beating so strong?
What you didn't know, Daddy, it was beating for you
I have been trying to figure out what to say today, actually as I am typing this I am still trying to figure out exactly how to approach this. It was 10 years ago today that I gave birth to my first baby girl. I say gave birth hesitantly due to the fact that I was mid term (about 4 1/2 months) pregnant with her and of course she was still born. In other words, I miscarried. I have a hard time really explaining what I went through, because I feel in no way can I compare it to a full term still birth, nor was it anything at all like a "typical" miscarriage, which I also had experienced a few months AFTER this first loss.
It has been, wow, 10 years since I have written anything about this experience and I don't like to stand still in that devastating season of my life, yet I never want to forget, because I want to be able to relate to other women, couples that are going through this every single day. The loss of a baby at any stage can be devastating...and still 10 years later I get choked up and teary eyed when that memory draws me back,
yet God has brought me so far since then.
There are no words comparable to "I am sorry. I can't find a heartbeat"-
then to be rushed over to ultrasound and to see your sweet little baby with zero life in her precious little body. I remember looking over at Jeff while I was laying there, with tears streaming down his face, and hearing him call his mom in the car afterwards, choking the words out, "the baby died." I remember sitting at my moms house with my parents and Jeff's parents afterwards, watching my sister walk in the door and telling her, "the baby died" then hearing her race to the bedroom sobbingjust as hard as I had been earlier.
Later that day, I was to be induced, so we just waited around all day, waiting for the dreadful moment when I would "give birth" to our precious first born. When she finally was born, I looked at her, not knowing for sure "at that stage" if she was a girl, but was pretty sure...
the nurse rushed in and confirmed, yes in fact, she was a girl. We gave her the name we had originally planned on which was Naomi Renee. She was so tiny, just under 6 inches. But she had such precious little fingers and toes, nose, eyes, ears, mouth... we were even able to take home tiny little feet and hand prints. And I am thankful I was even able to hold her... A few days later, we had a burial service for just us and a few close family and friends. But, I kept in mind, that I would see her one day again. For to be absent from the body, meant she was present with the Lord.
The months following were heartbreakingmonths of questions as to why this happened, blaming myself, waking up in the middle of the night in tears, sleeplessness, obsessing over getting pregnant again, and studying relentlessly all the causes of pregnancy loss. It was draining. When I finally did get pregnant, I was terrified. I knew everything "in the book" that could go wrong, so I was just waiting for it to happen to me, again.
The problem was, when Naomi died, they never found a reason. It just happened.
The next 9 weeks of my 2nd pregnancy were filled with pure fear and terror, and when I lost the 2nd pregnancy, I almost felt a sense of relief that I got that over with. It's weird, I know...but I felt like NOW I can really focus on believing that God's promises are true.. and I did. I set my heart on studying what God had to say about children, families and how children were intended to be a blessing to us, not a curse.
Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infertility is definitely a curse.
It can break us. I don't care what the doctors call it, what anyone calls it... It is heart wrenching. All our hopes and dreams are wrapped up in that precious little life and when it suddenly ends unexpectedly, it shatters us.
(for the record, I HATED when I lost my 2nd baby, and the ER nurse called it "products of conception"-give me a break, that was my baby.)
It took everything in me to take my stand in faith, that God would not fail me. And that children truly were
"...a heritage of the Lord and the fruit of the womb is his reward-Psalms 127:3."He was no respecter of persons... I kept believing this as I watched every friend and family member I knew get pregnant...and they would come to me, scared to tell me "I'm so sorry. I'm pregnant."All I could say was "Don't be sorry. I'm happy for you."
I know that feeling of noticing every single pregnant woman and baby and wondering why am I not pregnant yet?? But I also was (and still AM) very confident in the God I serve. I may question things, butI neverquestion him... and I most definitely NEVER ever blame him.
To make a long long story short (haha I know it doesnt look that way...), but you can see by my pictures, I am here now 10 years later with my life full of children laughing, screaming, crying, fighting, loving, and snuggling.
These 3 kids are my life.
So many times, I get SOOOO stressed out, I can feel like I am going crazy (as any mom of 3 does), but I stop myself and remember what I went through to get to this point..and I become so thankful.. (that right now at this very moment as I type this I hear my 6 year old daughter is yelling "momma! momma! momma! momma!" over and over right in my ear, while my son is mocking her and laughing at her... the tension is building!!! I better hurry, she just asked me "why don't you care about me, momma? you dont love me?" (-because I am not paying attention.)
...such manipulation, she must know what I am writing about..haha
I will never ever forget Naomi Renee, AND our precious little baby #2 (who I have left for Jesus to name for me)... I always will visit the place where we buried her, but I will definitely remember how faithful God is and where he has brought me.
How could I forget? These kids WILL NOT let me...
AYYYEEEE!!!
Here is a family picture from Fall of 2009. With all these kids, I simply didn't have time to take a new one ;-)...not that I didnt try...
Christmas of 2010
Thats the best I can do for now... time for a new family pic =)
Naomi's Song
( my brother was 16 years old when this happened. He wrote and recorded this song for me. I still cry when I listen to this.)
