I sort of feel like I've been standing far off watching my life lately. Like an out of body experience, I'm just standing there (or floating there?) watching myself do and say and live in the way I've done it for years. My life has been busy and I don't really mean physically, although that is certainly part of it. You can't really expect less with a family, but what I mean is I can't really remember what it was like for my mind and my mental and emotional state to not always be going and moving and doing. I remember life without the internet and kids, but when I try to think back I start to wonder, what on earth did I do before? The internet and having children definitely has the capacity to keep you moving, in one way or another. Do you like how I clumped the internet in with my family? Sad, isn't it?
For as long as I can remember I have always been a people pleaser. I do and I give and I love, hoping desperately for people to like me and approve of me in return. Part of this is human nature, and I think part of this is having been raised in a preachers home and always wanting to be sure I didn't say or do anything to present a bad image for my parents. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing and I am certainly very loyal, but what I am saying is that is all I've ever known was to try to do things for other people, so in turn people would approve of me.
This drive turned insecurity has most definitely carried me through my adult life. There is a part of me that has always wanted to prove to people I am good and honest and genuine, somehow guessing that if I didn't keeping talking and trying to prove myself, they would think less of me (see? insecure). There is a part of me that is always subtly trying to find ways to get people to just like the person I am...either by being the happy one, funny one, the encouraging one, the helpful one, the selfless one, the smiley one, the friendly one, maybe even the helpless or needy one, etc It's not so much a cry for attention, but a fear of loneliness and being rejected. And I think these qualities are all parts of who I am, yet most times subconsciously I needed that love and acceptance in exchange. I needed to be needed. My inward desperate plea is for people to validate me in one form or another.
I see that as a weakness in myself. Pure honesty here, folks.
And with that, I have spent the majority of my life being busy, mentally trying so hard...and I absolutely hate the feeling of wondering if people are thinking negatively of me in any way.
It literally scares me.
I've sort of been watching myself, the things I've said, written and acted upon over time...the extremely uncomfortable lengths I have tried at times to avoid rejection...and I start wondering why I do that. What is this obsessive need for people to approve? Yes it's human, but mostly it's fear. And spending every moment of your life trying so hard to say or give or fix or do or beg or please or help so that you can feel love in return,
it gets exhausting. And I am sure it's unnecessary.
I see that as a weakness in myself. Pure honesty here, folks.
And with that, I have spent the majority of my life being busy, mentally trying so hard...and I absolutely hate the feeling of wondering if people are thinking negatively of me in any way.
It literally scares me.
I've sort of been watching myself, the things I've said, written and acted upon over time...the extremely uncomfortable lengths I have tried at times to avoid rejection...and I start wondering why I do that. What is this obsessive need for people to approve? Yes it's human, but mostly it's fear. And spending every moment of your life trying so hard to say or give or fix or do or beg or please or help so that you can feel love in return,
it gets exhausting. And I am sure it's unnecessary.
This blog...sigh, oh this little blog of mine has been on sort of teeter totter the past few months. I've sort of been on auto pilot mode with it so that my numbers didn't drop (see what I mean? fear), but not really having a lot to say. I was talking to (actually crying to) my husband about this and how I am grateful I started this blog. Not only did I somehow find myself again in my love for creativity and art and writing, but it helped me sort of navigate my way through an extremely sad part of my life. And as wonderful as the blog community is and the friends are that I have met and love, blogging so far has been sort of a temporary fix for this frightened existence I've unknowingly lived. And it's kept me busy, so I don't have to think about it. In the beginning I thought it was healing, but now I 'm seeing it's kept my mind off the fear of loneliness I didn't want to face. I kept so busy in my writing trying to help, relate to and be there for people so I wouldn't have to think about myself and what could happen to me if I stop moving and thinking and talking for a minute.
It's an unhealthy pattern for me, and I feel crushed if it doesn't work like I hoped. My heart is let down.
And I allow it to make me feel smaller than I should, I think.
It's an unhealthy pattern for me, and I feel crushed if it doesn't work like I hoped. My heart is let down.
And I allow it to make me feel smaller than I should, I think.
Not being busy is what scares me. Because that means life will be too quiet and I will have nothing to drown out that silence, which to me, embodies loneliness. I realize that although I've tried, I cannot change or control what others do or the way they see me, but what I can do is change and control the way I live and see myself and the rest will fall in place. And I've never taken the time to just sit still, to let my mind rest and not always frustrate myself in my efforts and pleas. I am convinced that I just need to be quiet for once and find a way to really love myself and believe in myself....and let God love me.
The internet in general has been a huge distraction for me over the past decade. Mainly the social media aspect of it. It has added a level of drama and excitement and anticipation and torment to life that sort of blankets that fear of being bored or unloved. It has covered it so eloquently that I forgot it was there. Just like a workaholic or alcoholic or drug addict or sports addict, social media and all the relationships I have managed to build within it have kept me preoccupied in various ways. If you're a blogger or really anyone that has a relationship with technology, I'm sure you know what I mean. Especially in this smart phone era where the clamor is constantly begging our attention and it very literally makes my head spin some days. It has been a band-aid and I have used it to an extent to hide behind. I think it's a good thing that I realize this and that I know now that I need to just hush the buzz of this techno paced world for awhile. Silence may the solace I need to recover from this disease of insecurity and to discover who I am without all the noise I've been constantly carrying in my mind. I want to know what it is like to live a quiet life and not be afraid of it. I want simply to embrace the sweetness of it.
Like any habit, I am aware of the pain and withdrawal it may first seem to cause , this quiet, but in the end it will help me be stronger and believe in myself and do more for myself, which in turn will help me love for bigger reasons than me. I believe this is just one step of my 'big picture' and it will help my writing in the future... which I never plan to give up, even if it's just for me.
Like any habit, I am aware of the pain and withdrawal it may first seem to cause , this quiet, but in the end it will help me be stronger and believe in myself and do more for myself, which in turn will help me love for bigger reasons than me. I believe this is just one step of my 'big picture' and it will help my writing in the future... which I never plan to give up, even if it's just for me.
And it will give God one more opportunity each day to show me who He is to me.
My source of strength, comfort, confidence and peace will be in Him alone. It has to be.
My source of strength, comfort, confidence and peace will be in Him alone. It has to be.
Thank you to all of you who have read through my tumulus and thought processing blog and facebook posts and offered your generous words these past 16 months. Really, you are all very precious to me because you make up a part of my story, some in a little way, others in a bigger way. But either way, you were there.... And if you were one of those who sort of stumbled across my scattered path of wanderings (and this may only make sense if you actually know me), either blindly or on purpose, I am sorry. I think some people in my life understood me more than I understood myself at times. This blog means a lot to me and it hasn't been an easy decision to sort of "officially" state that this particular season of this blog is over for me and I'm not sure how long this lull will last. Because of course it scared me to maybe lose readers and friends. But it is the best thing for me in this moment. I need for my confidence to be outside of people. A season of growth...
I'm not sure right now what the future holds. I really can't say when I will be back here on From Awkward To Art, but I hope you are still here if/when I do make my way back. I suppose it will be at least as long as it takes for me to get used to my thoughts in silence and realize nothing has to be said of them. I don't always have to talk and do. I hope that's ok.
To hear only the voice of God and His assurance of who I am, no strings attached,
is what I am longing for.
So for now, I am saying goodbye.
Psalm 46:10-Be still and know that I am God...
I'm not sure right now what the future holds. I really can't say when I will be back here on From Awkward To Art, but I hope you are still here if/when I do make my way back. I suppose it will be at least as long as it takes for me to get used to my thoughts in silence and realize nothing has to be said of them. I don't always have to talk and do. I hope that's ok.
To hear only the voice of God and His assurance of who I am, no strings attached,
is what I am longing for.
So for now, I am saying goodbye.
Psalm 46:10-Be still and know that I am God...